On Considering Razors

The Sewers

April sighed softly as she accepted her cup of tea from Splinter. It had been her idea to speak with her Sensei. Alone. Without any of the turtles so very focused on the movies still playing in the comfort of the Lair seating area. Splinter for his part just enjoyed the quiet with tea and waiting for April to bring up her topic of importance with him.

April, sighed again and put down her unsipped tea, “Sensei, I wanted to broach a topic with you that I know is very serious. I am sorry that this will likely upset you but, I know I can’t keep it hidden nor can I ignore the chance that I will be weak without your guidance on this topic. I already know that I cannot continue to ignore my acts but, I promise you I no longer feel the need to do such things.”

Splinter put down his cup carefully, his look becoming highly concerned, “What you say already has me worried for you. What is it, my student kunoichi, which has you coming to your Sensei saying these things?”

April squirmed a little, eyes memorizing her teacup, before she could bring herself to answer. “I’ve been well, not recently but, while my father was mutated into a bat… I was taking plastic knives to cut my-myself with, Sensei.” Right away, she could feel the looming attention of the rat Sensei. She immediately dropped her head, bowing for forgiveness, “I will never do such a thing again, Sensei! I just felt I needed to talk with you about it. Just the focus that came from the little lines, the feeling of direction. I just felt so directionless then!” April could hear the rat father’s tail dance an impatient movement on the floor. Then, felt his hands come to cup her head.

Splinter lifted the head of his surviving female student. Who knew where Miwa was now and this admission truly did concern Splinter.  He blinked tears from his eyes as he made April meet his heavy gaze. “Child, why? Why would you ever hurt yourself, when you are so precious to us here? Please, can you show me the placement?”

“Oh! Uh”, April ducked her head away from the caring hands and traced a few lines on her thigh over the clothing. “I only ever used a plastic knife because I really didn’t want to hurt myself, just, it was like feeling a near miss with a blade, Sensei. It sharpened my senses and made me think harder rather than living in that daily fog of blame and regret.”

Splinter hummed, “MMmmm…” before taking April’s hand into his own and pulling his other hand back then sharply coming down on the delicate fingers with a painful slap. April quickly took her hands back blowing on the struck fingers. But, she stayed silent watching her sensei with anxious eyes.

“I will not be telling the others, April. But, understand, I am highly upset by this new knowledge. You come to me as my family mourns the passing of a great man. One who did himself a great harm and then, tell me you have been hurting yourself just to feel the flow of adrenaline you receive from a fight. We both know this is not safe nor true. It shows a craving that could lead to you getting hurt or allowing yourself to follow a razor’s edge to greater harm.”

April blinked, eyes tearing up, “It just hurt so much, Sensei. I couldn’t take it anymore. Father kept flying away and all I could think was if I hadn’t let the turtles be so close, maybe it would never have happened. For him to get mutated, you know?”

Splinter gave April a severe look, “No. I do not ‘know’ nor do I think you were thinking straight at the time. More pain does not resolve the actual existence of pain. Nor can it balance karmic injustices, such as those done to you and your father. I hope that you never do harm to yourself again.” At that point, Splinter opened his arms wide. Taking the sting of his words away and showing his forgiveness. April had sobbed and tossed herself into the warm fuzzy arms, staying there until her tears naturally faded away.

The Farmhouse

She missed those arms so much now. The farmhouse stood lonely for so long, it felt so empty still without her mom. April should have brought the guys up here long ago. She needed to keep herself together. She needed to keep her head on straight. She needed Splinter or even her father!

April sniffed as she climbed out of bed before reaching under her pillow and pulling out the sharp blade she had brought from kitchen the night before. She shouldn’t be even thinking this. She shouldn’t be looking at sharp things again. As if new lines on her thighs really will relieve the pain in her heart. Her losses so insurmountable. Her losses no less than the guys. She had no idea how they handled their hurts so well. She should take the knife back to the kitchen. She should stop thinking this way!

Splinter would be so disappointed; her father, too. But, they weren’t there. They were gone now. Again. She was alone with 4 teenage mutants and the occasional mutant in the woods. That should have been enough to get her mind off this.

Donatello would be so mad at her if he knew. The rest of the guys, too. So, she wasn’t going to tell them. Not even a hint. They had enough on their plates.

Instead, all April could do was stare at her hands on her thighs, the knife past her knees, and hope she had the strength to avoid cutting again. Hope she didn’t give in to the temptation that had rested under her pillow for the last three nights. It looked so sharp. It was just so… tempting. She was stronger than this! Wasn’t she? For a fourth day, she wasn’t sure. Maybe she’d never be sure. She wanted to be sure today wouldn’t be the day she started cutting again before going outside. She still wasn’t sure.